Many friends have been reaching out to ask me how I’m doing which is greatly appreciated! All I can think of is the movie Inside Out, where I’m playing all five characters! And which character I am depends on the day.
Joy. Anger. Sad. Disgust. Fear.
Hell, sometimes it’s all five in the same day/hour/minute!
When I first heard the news that I might have some new cancer brewing, I just cried. Not necessarily sad tears, but definitely tears of Disgust and disappointment. I sat in shocked silence for quite a bit. I even felt embarrassed. I know that sounds weird, but I just felt like a complete freak of nature. I mean, who gets three different cancers? (Apparently lots of people, but we’ll save that for another day.) But, still. As the person who coaches others on healthy diet and lifestyle, I can’t even keep myself cancer free?
When I have time to sit and think about things, or I’m lying awake in bed at night, Fear is the one that sneaks in most. Fear of more cancer in the future. Fear of dying too soon. Fear of catching Covid. Fear of complications from surgery. Fear of diminished lung capacity. Fear can and will drive you absolutely crazy if you let it get the best of you.
Anger and Sadness are good friends with Fear. The more I think about any of those things actually happening, I waver between tears and screaming at the world. I try not to dwell here, because that’s not who I am. I’m definitely more of a worrier, but I always try (TRY being the operative word) to create peace and serenity in my life. You can’t have either of those things if you are mired down in anger or sadness or fear.
That leads me to Joy. I try to spend as much time here as possible. But how do you find time for Joy when facing your fourth cancer diagnosis?
The answer is simply: Gratitude.
Gratitude for the Love I feel from so many of you. For the most amazing support system ever. For a supportive husband. For family and friends. For wonderful doctors and decent health insurance. For our ability (so far) to pay for my portion of medical bills and our travel costs. For being otherwise healthy. For having found my way to nutrition and lifestyle changes that make my risk of surgery so much lower. For technology that allows me to stay connected to friends while I “hermit” and that gives me the ability to answer all my questions in the dead of night. For a warm, comfortable home.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I haven’t mentioned envy. I’m not sure I consider myself an envious person, but I imagine it sneaks in there sometimes. Jealous of people who have good health despite bad habits? Secretly wishing I could be one of those people who doesn’t ever have to think about a return of cancer? Ok. Maybe a little.
I have limited the discussion to the “Inside Out” characters, but certainly the emotional spectrum runs far and wide: Impatience. Frustration. Appreciation. Confusion. Relief. Resignation. Panic. Contentment. Pride. Compassion. Love.
Hope.
There’s always hope.
Thank you again to all of you who have messaged or called, are praying, or sending positive energy!
IMDb: Inside Out (2015)