The Search

Today is one month, exactly 4 weeks, since my mother’s death.  Not a moment goes by that she isn’t in my thoughts. Some days are better than others, and we persevere.  I am immensely proud of my Dad.  He has been keeping up with the house, keeping himself busy, and pushing himself to do things he wouldn’t normally do.  (Sunday, he even went to the movies with us!)  I suspect he hears my Mom’s voice in his ear urging him to do as she would have done.  🙂

Being busy seems to help with the grief and I have immersed myself in work and lots of projects. One of those projects involves searching for every picture I can find of my mother so that I can make a photo book.  This has led to the discovery of some great pictures that I have never seen before. Pictures of my mom in her youth that I now treasure.  I love looking at old pictures and it’s been great to remember her this way.

But there are the quiet times that make it hard not to grieve.  The quiet of the drive to work, when I would speak to Mom every day for the whole trip, still gets to me. And pretty much every minute in the kitchen. (I loved to tell her all the new vegan/vegetarian dishes I was trying. She would have loved to try that vegan pumpkin pie.)  And, of course, there’s bedtime and shower time…alone times that tend to bring tears.

This weekend in church, the sermon spoke of using the difficult times in our lives to learn and grow.  I keep searching for those things, although I know they may not reveal themselves so soon.  There are a few things that have come to mind these past few days as I search:

  • Never assume you have tomorrow.  It’s so important to say all that you want to say in the moment.  Tell people you love them.  Don’t dwell on negative thoughts.  Truly, don’t sweat the small stuff.  All those cliche’s are so for a good reason: they’re true.
  • More than ever, I believe you need to be your own advocate.  I was that for myself during my cancer treatments (mostly), but with my mom, we didn’t know what we didn’t know. So instead of relying on doctors to tell you information to ask questions, ask them probing questions.  “Is there anything I need to do differently?  Are there any labs or tests I might need?  Are there any resources I can review?  What do other people in this situation do? How often should I follow up?  What symptoms should I worry about?”  Those answers should lead to more questions to ask.  Don’t just take what doctors tell you at face value.
  • Coumadin is a dangerous drug.  Seek as much information as you can if you are taking this, or if it has been recommended for you.  (Over 100,000 people a year die due to adverse reactions to medications… You should probably ask lots of questions on ANY drugs that are being recommended to you.  Do NOT take anything until you understand the risks.)

That’s it for now, but I will surely keep searching.


The Search (1948) –




2 thoughts on “The Search

  1. I know what you mean about the drive to work. That’s been a rough time for grief to catch up with me also. I’m glad you’re doing the photo project. This does get easier. I just wish that we never had to go through losing people we love so much. We should all make a graceful exit to Heaven at the same time.

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